You know it's almost funny, in a sad sort of way, I am doing something that I suspect many people do when they lose a loved one, I am noting to myself, each time I do some certain somethings, that the last time I did this particular thing, my dad was still alive. Last night it happened while watching a new season of a TV show I like to watch. The thought intruded in my brain while the opening credits were running, the last time I watched this show, my dad was still alive. Now if you have been paying attention, you might ask, how am I watching a TV show since I don't have TV anymore... well I admit it, there are still a few TV shows I like to watch, though not many, I watch them online. My laptop and computer have become indispensable to me, not only for writing & sharing, communication (I don't have a phone, landline or cellphone), but also a big source of entertainment.
Death seems to create a permanent line in one's life, and especially when the death is still so fresh, so new, so raw, it marks a division of befores and afters. I felt this when my mother died, many many years ago, she was taken quite suddenly in a car accident, there were no goodbyes, there was no time to prepare, just one minute she was there, and the phone call later, she was gone. I spent probably a year doing the "last time I did/saw this, she was alive" thing. Eventually that sort of thing slowed down, though I am still reminded from time to time, especially around 9-11, she was still alive then, and each year when the media reminds us once again of what happened on that tragic day, I am reminded that when that happened, she was still with us.
I was very close to my mom, we were more like sisters than mother and daughter. When she passed, it was so hard, I suspect it was because of the suddenness of her death. I was pretty close to my dad, but not nearly as much as my mom. After her passing, I will say that my dad's stock went way up, we got closer and closer over the years. I relied on him for so many things, one of those was Bible knowledge, I knew that I could call him anytime and ask about a Bible verse or subject and he would be able to find it in short order. I could also ask him about lots of other things, he was really a vast pool of knowledge.
So now, I am beginning my post-dad journey in my life, and most days I am reminded that the last time I did or saw such and such, he was still alive. I know that this will go on for at least a year, slowing as time goes by. I noted to PB last night that this was the first summer/fall that he didn't come to visit, in fact, he would just be leaving about now. I will miss his visits, our frequent phone calls, him asking me if everything is going OK. Based on what he would ask about, his biggest worry about me seemed to be if I/we were eating OK, before his yearly visits he would ask me for a list of things I wanted or needed. He would always show up with a truckload of canned goods, dry goods, other foods, toilet paper and paper towels. In fact, I haven't had to buy toilet paper or paper towels since we moved off grid, he certainly was one for stocking up. We are still using what he has supplied, though that will eventually run out.
I am quite certain of where he is now, and I have faith that he will be waiting for me when it's my turn to leave this world.
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